Amanda. 20 years old. Owner of 2 spoiled dogs. Lives in western NY. Madly in love with her fiance Randy. Studied 2 years at college for informatics and will continue sometime in the near future. Opinionated, sensitive, emotional, loyal, dedicated. From money to cell to boy to depression, it’s ALL here
Now it is time to make an entry and no doubt one that will probably be scattered, long, and just overall confusing to not only you but me as well.
I’m now at work, I had a 12-5 shift today and it just wasn’t a good day for it. I have a headache, I’m shivering because I’m freezing (with a sweatshirt mind you), and I’ve still got 1 hour and 7 minutes before I can go turn the heat on in my car and warm the hell up. I work tomorrow too, 12-4. Right now I’m reminded of why I usually do not work weekends. They’re very long, boring, and dry shifts. Then I work on Monday from 11-1, and then 3-10. Joy? Oh yes. I have class at 9 that day as well so that should prove to be a very long, interesting, OH SO FUN day. Tuesday is only 9-11 but I’m hoping to pick up 1 extra somewhere because I don’t like driving this distance (A whopping 7 miles) unless I’m working more than 2 hours ya know? I’ve killed 2 more minutes. I don’t think I can blog my way through the remaining time though.
One upsdie is that Autumn emailed me and told me her dad is going to front her the money for 1/2 month’s rent. So that means when I get home I get to call Jim and tell him this, and that way get confirmation that it’s OK to only pay $183 on my end and like woo, I can pay on my cell phone bill and also buy a bit of food to last the remaining 2 weeks that I’ll be in my apartment. So that’s one upside. Current score: Bad - 1 good - 1. Time = didn’t even take one minute to blog on that. Oh dear.
Now i took a small break to sit back and relax my eyes, no good though. On a BAD financial note I somehow owe Verizon $225 for 3 months of service. HAH. I’m calling them up today and demanding an explanation and if they refuse to remove some of the outrageous charges I’m threatening to switch and I will. TMobile is doing this 750 anytime ,free night/weekend minutes for only $39.95/month and I get a free phone which is like $300. I like being on Verizon because my family is and it’s free calling to them but I signed up for a $40/month (which comes to $48 after taxes) plan, not something that is $75/month. Current Score: Bad -2 good - 1. Time: 4:03, 57 minutes remaining.
Now last night I came home from work and took a nap because I was just flat out exhausted. I slept from about 6 until 9, mike even slept too which kinda irked me because he sleeps all day long. Well we get up and he says he hungry and tells me that I ought to cook up some spaghetti, whatever you know.. Well, I ask him to change the dog’s water because food got in it and it’s just gross and he says that he does it all the time so I should do it. Well, I end up having to do it because after 10 minutes it still wasn’t done and therefore my dad had gross water all day long because Mike was too involved in his video games to change it.
This is just the beginning though. We were watching a movie and I was eating a candy bar and I ask him if he wants half, then jokingly tell him he’s gotta kiss me first and he flips out on me and says “fine ,fuck it. I shouldn’t have to fucking kiss you everytime I want something. It’s why I don’t ever do it anymore”. Then later on during the movie a sex part came up and I was like “Yeah, I miss when sex was about love” and he said “I don’t, it was boring” so evidently there’s some serious lack of romanticism and it hurt to hear him say stuff like that.
Cut to later on when I’m trying to read my geo book and take notes, whatever. He’s got his video games in the background with gunshots going off constantly and it’s SO loud. I ask him to turn it down and he has to produce this HUGE sigh like I’ve just inconvenienced him beyond belief. How DARE I ask him to turn it down? Then later on I was listening to a song on my computer and he just HAD to blare his stuff. Then I just got fed up with all of it and decided to take my Mp3 player and go to bed. I intended on crying myself to sleep, what better thing did I have to do?
I told him everything I’m feeling. How I’m so sick of his inconsiderate behavior. It’s OK for him to blare music and tv when I’m trying to study, but I can’t even watch TV without his shit going on extremely loud (headphones anyone). It’s like I’m not even given the right to do anything in my own house. I remember when mike was working at try lock and had to be up at 5. I wasn’t even allowed to be on my computer or have the light on because it disturbed him, but when I’m trying to sleep due to school/work/whatever and have to get up early I have no consideration shown towards me. Not only that, but he stays up all hours of the night and comes to bed at 6am which disturbs me and also upsets me because he can be up all night playing games but he can’t come to bed with me to cuddle? Then if I ask him to do the simplest task the usual response is “Why can’t you do it?” and we already know someone hasn’t worked in 2 months while this other half is slaving away working and going to school and being superwoman in 430754 ways.
I told him to just let me go. End it. Go back to his grandma’s because he’d be better off there because I’m slowly beginning not only to not love him, but despise him as well. His behavior and lack of love for me in his actions, his sarcasm and sexism, his laziness, lack of motivation. It’s not attractive at all. He’s snappy all the time, I don’t feel love in this relationship. He said it’ll get better when we move back to my parent’s house. It won’t. He’s not going to change his ways and I’m definitely not going to just accept this crap. He tried to cuddle me btu I told him not to, I’ve already gotten used to sleeping alone and curling up in a ball to keep warm. I wasn’t important to cuddle up with any other time, why should I be now? He wouldn’t stop though, he kept cuddling me and I pushed him away and he frustrated me so bad that I screamed and oh my god it was loud. It hurt too. He left me alone and ended up sleeping on the couch… but i woke up at all hours of the night tossing and turning and 4 hours later my throat was still sore from screaming so loud out of frustration.
Good: 1 Bad: 230943803
I love him but I can’t let love win this time, love doesn’t solve all your problems.
November 25th, 2006 at 6:04 pm
Manda, you deserve better. I promise that somewhere out there is a man who will contribute equally financially, emotionally, and in every other way and make you feel cherished. I know breaking up is hard to do, but I really think you’re doing the best thing here.
November 25th, 2006 at 6:04 pm
Goddamn … that’s pretty much all I can say.
You stick to your guns, sweetie. I know it’s difficult, but in the end, having the courage and strength to stand up for what you believe in is more important.
And I personally am very, very proud of you for stepping up. I remember a time in the past when you would have suffered this without talking back to him much, just because you didn’t want him to leave and you preferred being in a loveless relationship over being in no relationship at all. I know things are depressing, but, if it will make you feel any better, I’m very, very glad to see that you’re not backing down. You may not be the Manda I’ve come to know and love, but you’ve grown even better, and I’ve come to know you better and love you more. So there!
November 25th, 2006 at 10:50 pm
His arrogance is just… astounding. To think that he can act the way he is and just expect it to be okay. When you move back in with the ‘rents, I’d make sure that was a move for one. He needs to learn that his actions have consequences, and the world (and yourself) do not revolve around his each and every whim.
November 25th, 2006 at 11:54 pm
I read your blog and was raring to comment, but Ally pretty much summed it up for me. The world does not revolve around him and he needs to realize that. Good for you for standing up for yourself. I would definitely consider re-considering that relationship. Stay strong, girl and take girl.
November 26th, 2006 at 6:16 pm
i’d leave him in a second. you do not deserve this. you work so hard, he doesnt do ANYTHING to deserve being with you. i get annoyed just reading about the situation.