Amanda. 20 years old. Owner of 2 spoiled dogs. Lives in western NY. Madly in love with her fiance Randy. Studied 2 years at college for informatics and will continue sometime in the near future. Opinionated, sensitive, emotional, loyal, dedicated. I broke up with him.. and it fucking hurts
I did it.. I broke up with him. It wasn’t a sense of relief, it fucking HURTS like HELL.
Did I make the right decision? I don’t know. I really don’t but the tears don’t stop falling and my heart feels torn into so many pieces. There is so much I’m never going to experience again with him. It’s painful, extremely. I just ripped his life into so many pieces and I’m afraid that I won’t have that again, I’m not going to have that happiness, dedication, and love from anyone ever again. I never thought he was going to leave. I planned my life, my future… with him. I talked about kids and jobs and a house with him, he lived with me over a year.
I’m gonna miss his smile when I walk in the room, his silly grins, his foot and back massages, tickle fights, cuddling together… I still love and care about him VERY much. I’m just hoping I made the right decision, because if not, I put us both through so much pain that neither of us deserved. :’(
I’m going to go cuddle with Randy and cry on his shoulder. I’ll be amazed if his hoodie is still dry when I’m through. He’s being great throughout, not pushing me to be with him or anything and he hasn’t. He’s been.. a saint. Encouraging me to do what I feel is right, whether it’s with Mike or him and if I needed him to step out he would. I’ll probably end up talking to Mike online… and I have a feeling if something didn’t work out with Randy Mike would be willing to go again but I’m going to just try to stay positive and see what my future would be like with someone like Randy, because he’s mine. He’s here with me for the long haul, he wants to be with me and I want to be with him… so we’ll see what happens.
I just hope I didn’t fuck up.
December 23rd, 2006 at 3:14 am
I say this in all honesty, and this is my opinion untarnished: He didn’t treat you well at all, Manda, and I think we all hated having to see story after story of how he was dead weight for you and insulted you. You wouldn’t be happy for the rest of your life with someone who has such crappy behavior toward you right from the start. Imagine that x4 if you were actually married for 10 or so years.
You’re smart and you’re a great person and you deserve someone great who is willing to give back. Even if it’s not Randy, I honestly believe there is someone out there who is everything you want and need, and that you deserve better than what you had. Just keep telling yourself that because there’s nothing more true.
I think you made the right decision. It’s just a very very hard one. *BIG HUGS*
December 23rd, 2006 at 4:28 am
My turn to weigh in now, since I can’t catch you online to talk to you about it more live.
On the one hand, I kinda (in a small way) don’t approve of what you did. I’m not condemning it or saying you made a bad or wrong choice, but my opinion is that, in a small way, you broke up with Mike for somebody you don’t really know all that well. Sure, he seems like a saint now, but don’t take this the wrong way: they all do. My ex will meet a guy who has the same effect on her that Randy has on you literally every two or three months. They all were just as nice as Randy and helpful as Randy and they all wanted to beat the tar out of her boyfriend. I’m no exception: you know what she did to me. What you might not know is that the guy she dumped me for (my former best friend) only refrained from thinking about beting me up because he knew I’d win the fight, but she did make him convince her to get out of my house ASAP when I gave her three months to find a new place because he thought I was going to abuse or rape her. Guy wanting to defend a girl he likes is nothing new: that’s our job, sweetie. You know I’d do it for you regardless of our relationship status because you’re one of my best friends and I love you.
Now that the ugly crap is out of the way … all I can say is it’s about time. Seriously. When Mike said what he said that last time while you were talking with Randy (even though I know very well jealousy could have triggered it), he pretty much burned through the last chance he had of me trying to be nice about things for your sake. Sara is pretty much right: I think if anyone hated having to see how badly he treated you more than anyone outside of your closest friends and family who see it for themselves, it was me. Not only did it hurt me to see you hurt so much every week or so, it started to seriously anger me the more Mike started acting like the assholes I write about who have the great girlfriends I could only dream about (if only I lived closer, eh? =P) and treat them like crap while I’m stuck with mostly nothing.
I’m not going to sit here and put you on a pedestal while you’re down, or tell you some cliche like “there’s someone out there for you”, because you know very well I can’t believe that about myself for more than two or three weeks at a time before I break down and go emo, so why waste my breath trying to convince you of something I can’t even convince myself? I’d also be insulting your intelligence by telling you it’s hard, because I know very well we’ve been over this before.
I guess all I can really say is that everything I’ve said is from the hip, and from the heart, and I just wish that the mere fact that I love you very much and treasure our friendship as one of the things that gives my life meaning and makes it worth caring about for me would fix everything, even though I know it’s not true. I’ll have a drink for you tonight, and one for you tomorrow night as well (since technically this is well into tomorrow in Mandaland).
You know where to find me.
December 23rd, 2006 at 5:47 am
Oh Manda, I know it hurts right now, but I’m so glad to see this. It broke my heart everytime I read your kiwi updates about how horribly he was treating you. It’s going to be okay, whether things work out with Randy or not.
December 23rd, 2006 at 12:57 pm
Breaking up is hard, even when it’s right.
I have to say I’m relieved to hear this. You deserve so much better than he gave, even if he wasn’t all bad all the time.
If you need to talk, you know where to find me.
December 24th, 2006 at 12:00 am
Am I thinking about the same Mike here? The Mike that calls you fat, doesn’t gold down a full time job, and that barely cleans the house or cooks for you?
I know I don’t know him personally, and I’m sure he has some good qualities about him. But reading your blogs daily like I have for the past 4 months really made me wonder “What the hell is she doing staying with him?”.
I do hoever, thinks it’s cruel to break up with him just because this other guy came on the scene. If it wasn’t for him, would you have done the same thing? I can’t help but think that things would be different.
Either way Amanda, you deserve the best, and if Randy is what’s making you happy right now, I wish you both the best of luck. I realise breaking up can be hard whether it’s wnated or not.
Take care hun, and happy holidays !
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