I’m a mess and falling apart

I think I can officially declare myself a fuckin’ wreck. I feel single, I really do. I feel like I’m all by myself with only my online friends (I love you all, don’t mistake me) to turn to and it’s horrible. I’m fine during the day. It’s filled with work and sleep and daylight and tv. When it gets night time and Pat goes home, the emotions boil over. Pat has been over because he likes playing the ps2 and using my computer, and it’s good to have someone around when i need to talk but he’s not that much help really. He’s not a conversationalist. He’s 20 btw, Randy told him to watch over me and be there for me to lean on and he’s trying, he really is.

Mike brings in a whole new section because he’s dealing with losing me to someone else and I’m dealing with the worry that I’ll be away from my boyfriend for a long ass time. I can’t keep my friendship with Mike if this continues because I’m selfish right now, I don’t care what he’s going through. I know it’s hard but if he doesn’t want to see me and talk to me about it because it hurts or because all I can do is sleep, breathe, and think of Randy then so be it. He wants help getting over me, assurance that he might have a chance.. and I look at him and don’t see it happening. Even with Randy in jail, I didn’t jump back. I see everything that was wrong with us. I see hurt, pain, anguish. I see disappointment from all the stuff he promised me that he’d do and let me down on. I’m no longer attracted to him and to be honest, the thought of getting back with him makes me feel like I’m settling for dirt.

I don’t want anyone else right now. I want Randy, I want him back here in my arms. I’ve written him 2 letters already and talked to him 1/2 hr (twice) yesterday and an hour today. Each phone call is $1.60 connection fee and then $.09/minute so his mom’s phone bill is going to be through the roof. I’m visiting him at 2:30 tomorrow, which cannot honestly come soon enough. I’m kind of anticipating work though to get me out of the house and doing something since it’ll make me feel a little more alive. I hate the night time.. so much though. I’m so afraid and alone.

Randy could face a multitude of things from prison to jail to rehab. I could end up being able to see him every couple days or it could turn into a once a week situation, where I have to live on letters and phone calls. I could be away for him for months, it could be years and it scares me. I’m afraid that after I see him tomorrow I’m going to break down because it’s only 1/2 hr (or an hour, im not too sure) so it’s … not good. I just want Monday to come so I know what his fate is, what the fate of “us” is. I love him, so much. I just want to be with him. I’ve fallen hard and fast and I can’t get out of it. I don’t want anyone or anything but him.. and him being behind bars while I sit for hours thinking about him and worrying about the future isn’t accomplishing anything good. I want.. this back.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

185 Responses to “I’m a mess and falling apart”

  1. Leesuh Says:

    I am very glad you’re not jumping back to Mike. I know how unhappy you were when you were with him.

    I see Randy makes you happy, and I hope that works out. My suggestion? Throw yourself into school and work, try to find a couple of offline girlfriends to hang out with, and stop worrying. There is nothing you can do to change Randy’s situation, nor can you predict the future. Concentrate on what you have influence over instead, and have faith that the rest will work itself out.

    *hugs* Can you just date a nice safe accountant who invests in a Roth IRA and drives a volvo and wear khakis? Your boy troubles make my mind spin, and they’re not my boyfriends!! :P

  2. Nan Says:

    Oh Randy is in jail? That’s sad for such a young guy! I hope Mike will get over you and your relationship fast - it’s just so sad wanting someone who obviously don’t want you back. I guess you guys had a attachment relationship more than passionated love. I hope you and Randy will make things better together for the both of you.

  3. Shauna Says:

    Oh wow Manda. That’s allot for me to take in .. I couldn’t picture actually bein in your situaion.

    I, like Lisa said, am glad you are not jumping back to Mike. I also agree that ou should just try and keep yourself busy and things will work out the way they are supposed to.

    Just lay low for a little while, take it easy .. you’ll be fine.

  4. Jenn Says:

    I second what Lisa said.
    Try not to dwell on what can’t be changed, but instead on what you can do to make this rough time pass a little easier. *hug*

  5. Stacy Says:

    Agree with everybody else. Get involved in something. ANYTHING. Well, anything healthy.

    And I’ve been there. It’s rough. Nobody gets it until they’ve been there. And I know how you feel. You know that. And if you ever need me, I’m a phone call, an email, or an IM away. I’m seriously trying to get on AIM more. I’m always on yahoo or MSN, but AIM gives me pains in the butt.

    If you need my number to call or anything.. anytime babe.. just email me. You know I love ya right? *hugs*

  6. Jenn Says:

    P.S. I think I missed something. Why is Randy in jail??

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