Little-Nerdling.net

My life is such an emotional roller coaster. To put it short, Randy and I broke up when I found out he was going to be moved to Trumansburg, NY which is 2 ½ hours away from me right now. It’s near Ithaca. Well this was on Friday the 16th. We determined we’d keep talking though and we did every night and we continued to tell each other that we loved each other; we saw each other on Sunday and continued to act like we were together affectionately and everything. It hurt though, because I thought I was losing him.

Well we talked each and every night and on Monday night I had a very weak moment and Mike and I had been talking a lot and I wanted to see him, I was officially single so it really was “alright” and he came over at like 1:15am Monday night and then ended up sleeping together and cuddling, being affectionate. I did it for two reasons, I was lonely and I wanted to see if any part of that “fire” was there at all. It was nice to have comfort, I’ll admit that and I enjoyed it but I discovered that no matter what Randy was on my mind constantly. Mike would try to kiss me and I’d dodge him because there wasn’t love and tons of emotion behind it, he seemed desperate. He’d hug me and I’d hug back but be thinking and wishing I was with Randy instead. That’s all I could think about.

Then last night he came over again, no sleeping together but lots of affection and same deal. I’d dodge, he was TOO clingy. Opening every door, being by my side 24/7, I needed my space and he’s just… Trying to prove himself too much about how much he’s changed and I discovered that there’s no use trying to rekindle something. I don’t WANT it to happen because I love Randy. It’s 2 months today that him and I got together as well as 2 months since Mike and I broke up.

Well Mike is still here as we were hanging out and went to Applebee’s, we also went to Wal-Mart and I got some shampoo, conditioner, and body spray along with a mouse for my laptop. Randy calls at 10:30 to tell me that he’s got some great news, he’s not going to Trumansburg 110 miles away, he’s going to Niagara Falls 51 miles away. It’s also a different type of facility. The other one was a total lockdown type with no freedoms whatsoever, this is one where he can talk on the phone to me every night and after 30 days he gets a pass to leave and he’ll get to come home for a weekend, which is amazing. I CAN do that, I can deal with him being away if I have something to look forward to short term and also if he gets to finally see me without tons and tons of stupid restrictions and watch dogs.

There’s a catch though, I told him about what happened between Mike and I and he was obviously upset and he yelled, cried, and asked me why… It hurt to know I hurt him like that but I deserve every amount of flack I’ve gotten for it. He told me he still wanted to be with me and that I have to cut him out of my life totally, this means no AIM or anything and it’s for the best. We’re not meant to be friends and it doesn’t work when feelings run that strongly. So Randy is cutting off contact with his 3 cousins who hate me and keep starting drama, I cut off contact with Mike, and then we just stick by each other and wait it out.
I want to be with him, more than anything. I love him and being single for a whopping 5 days and trying shit out with Mike again made me realize how much I do love Randy and want to stick by his side through this all. I’m just glad and lucky that he loves me enough not to have totally tossed me to the curb.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 22nd, 2007 at 1:44 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.