Little-Nerdling.net

I had a very much needed breakdown on Sunday. No worries, nothing dangerous. Randy and I spent all day together doing our usual cuddling, sex, video games, going out, etc… we went to the carnival in Stafford after installing Need for Speed and spent about 4 hours there walking around, enjoying yummy but ever so fattening food, and playing I got it. We came back and he played NFS while I fixed Mike’s computer for him (we’re on friendly terms, talk every couple days) and then we played phase 10 until 9pm before coming upstairs so we could cuddle before I took him home since he had to be home by 11:15 and it’s 52 miles away.

We cuddled up while Jimmy played online and Pat/Levi cuddled up together on the couch. Then I began thinking of how much it hurts every time I see him for a day and then watch him leave for x number of days, week after week knowing I won’t see him for another week. I know we’re better off than a lot of people but we got ourselves spoiled because in jail I saw him 1/2 hour once a week and then in rehab 4 hours every Sunday. Then we’ve been seeing more and more of each other as he hits time in the halfway house (he’s being released in the first week of July, court on the 2nd for sentencing). Then he’ll be only about 8 miles away with even more freedom (including weekends home).

I just curled up in his arms and basically bawled my eyes out for close to 45 minutes. He’d tell me to stop or “shhhhh it’s ok” and all I did was shake my head no and keep going because I needed to. I hadn’t cried in what seemed like forever and it was very therapeutic too. He started crying too because he said he doesn’t know why I continue to go through this with how much it’s hurting me and he feels totally at fault, there’s nothing more he can do. I went into the long term knowing what was happening, knowing it was going to be long and rough. He’s changing, he’s got over 6 months clean time and our 6 month anniversary is on Friday (that long already?!!) So I’m hanging in there but we’ve been so used to seeing each other every tues/thurs/sat/sun to one day a week and it’s being felt.

Working all the time helps though, I focus on my customers/time and I get so tired that I pass right out. That way it doesn’t hurt so much to be away from him, I just keep telling myself only a couple months left. I’ve been smoking a lot of pot these past few months to deal overall and it mellows me out. I’ll ease up when he’s out but for now I find no harm in doing it responsibly.

A quick rundown of the changes we’ve gone through in this ’ship.

Dec 20th - met and talked for 6 hours, decided to go on a date to the pond 2 days later.
Dec 22nd - date goes extremely well. Go back home and break it off with Mike, get with randy. Spend the next week or so totally up each others asses.
Jan 1st - he gets arrested for grand larceny charge from august. He goes to jail until about a week into February and then we see each other once or twice a week for 30 minutes and talk every night for over an hour but accumulate over $450 in collect calling charges.
Feb 8th? - he goes to rehab basically next door where we talk for 30 minutes every night and see each other for 3 hours every Sunday. Then we find out he’s going to Niagara falls which is 52 miles away for his halfway house for a couple months.
March 1st - He goes to the falls, no talking on the phone or contact for 2 weeks but we find ways around it.
Until Now - he gets more time as it progresses. We can see each other, 15 minute conversations, overnights every 2 weeks.
Mid July - ??? - Supportive living until who knows when. Only 8 miles away, tons more freedom. Then it should be home… we can hope.

I just am ready for it to be over and done with.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 19th, 2007 at 8:08 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.