It’s only been a little over 12 hours since he’s been gone. Know what’s sad? I’ve been crying since then. 12 Hours straight pretty much of slow crying… sitting alone just thinking and thinking and thinking some more of what could possibly happen. Listening to depressing music and letting my own thoughts attack me. It’s working too, they’re chipping away at me piece by piece. I’m trying to live by the line “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” because this stage of everything is really over. He’s going to jail or prison and he’s got time to serve and then our life begins again. He’ll have changed, I will too and then we can try to start a life where he can work and we don’t fear cops and the thought of seeing one or them showing up on the doorstep day after day. This portion of our relationship is closed. I want to smile for all the memories we have shared, I really do but it’s so hard being alone right now. That’s the roughest part really. I just need someone here to tell me it’s OK… someone to tell me they’ll be here for me to keep me company, do things with me, all that good stuff.

People say you can’t rely on your boyfriend for everything but I have because he is my best friend… and it feels like my only friend right now. Like I said, I’ve pretty much lost pat and heather to drugs and other crowds. I need someone… someone to keep me sane through all of this. I almost went to my mom when she got home and found out he’d been taken and just cry on her shoulder but I’m not that physically close with her. She was visibly upset too, she really likes Randy. He’s helpful, kind, respectful, and he always goes out of his way to do anything for anybody no matter what. Wake him up at 2am and say you need help with this and he’ll jump up and do it. He’s an amazing person. He truly is and I’ll never find someone like him, I don’t intend on looking either. He’s my everything. Look down on me or him for where he is or what he did but the fact is that he’s made mistakes in the past and he’s got to face them right now. It doesn’t make this easy though and it’s not stupid of me to want to stand beside him through it all. He loves me, I love him. We can make it through all of this with each other. I’m going to try until I die if that’s what it takes, I won’t lose him. I refuse to, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.