Originally this WAS going to be a handwritten entry but it’s too serious minded for that.

I broke down last night on the phone to Randy, completely. The kind of breaking down where I curl up in a ball and just CRY. I’m SO sick of the NY DOC treating prisoners like they’re not people but instead are dogs. Yes, Randy committed a crime but there is a thing called the justice system and it’s supposed to be in place. It is NOT right to make him restart the program just because they may have made an administrative error. He is NOT in trouble but I’ve got this nagging feeling that they WILL make him restart. He’s done 35 days in the program out of 180, he is getting Effed over hardcore in this if they do. They could also decide now to disqualify him for one reason or another. If this happens, he’ll probably not be home in time for Christmas. He’ll miss his first merit board in July and he’ll not be up again until January I think. UUUUUUUGH! I guess we’ll find out when he talks to a counselor.

I just feel like the world is on my shoulders with all of this crap going on. Divorce, Dillion, and now this possibility of restarting. I have this “thing” where I try to take on all this responsibiltuy myself when none of it is my job. He tells me not to worry but I can’t help it. I’m so overwhelmed with all of this and I might not get to visit tomorrow because we got hit with a storm and over a foot of snow. We’re expecting another 6 inches before 9 and then I THINK it is supposed to taper off. The driving is 95% on the thruway which is always cleared out first considering people have to pay $.04/mile to travel on it. They say it’s supposed to taper off by like 10 so that gives me 7 hours to hope they clear things up.

Mike told me something when we were hanging out that made me think. He told me that at times it feels like I’m trapped in this relationship by my love for Randy. Even if I wanted to leave I couldn’t because of the situation and because if I left, it’s not because of him it’s because I can’t handle the situation. Yet, that would be giving up. I don’t know how to fail… I can’t. We have a future together but it’s getting through the here and now that is killing me. I’ve immersed myself in games, re-doing my room, and am going to try to begin knitting as a time killer. I also do things like get my lip pierced because it makes me feel good about myself to do things like that. Perhaps getting a membership to somewhere like directbuy will allow me to buy things at discount prices to help spice up things around here and in my future apartment. Providing I get a job soon of course…

He called me 8 times yesterday.. $26.56 for calls. That’s 4 hours of talking and the phone cuts out after 30 minutes so you have to call again and get charged with another connection fee. I hate the system, I really do. It’s 25F and we have an east wind today meaning it’s absolutely FREEZING. I’m so sick of winter, I’m moving south. Once he’s off parole we’re OUT.