I’m so confused about my emotions right now. Advice needed
Disclaimer: I posted this on a prison forum that I’m a part of and it’s got thousands of members so it might sound like in a different tone than I usually post in but I need to get this out. Any advice would be appreciated.
Alrighty, my mind is in a jumble right now. Randy and I get along great and rarely argue because he’s quite level headed but lately (say past 2 weeks or so) I’ve been very angry and it’s not even at a specific person or thing. I’m cold to him on the phone and I’ve got a very big “I don’t give a f*** about anything” attitude towards well.. everything. I’m getting irritated when he calls because I know he’s so down and out and I can’t do a thing to fix it. We talk 1/2 hour each day and right now our last visit was 15 days ago. The longest we’ve gone was 18 days and I now work nights so seeing him unless I’ve got the weekend off is going to be difficult so it might be a month or so before I see him again. He’s been in for about 6 months and has 6 to go.
He’s getting scared by it and I’m afraid that I’m hurting him by my overall demeanor. He keeps saying “if you’re falling out of love with me and doubting your feelings you need to tell me” but the thing is I don’t think I am. I really think that right now I’ve just got a wall built up to avoid hurting 24/7 like I did the first two months when I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even live because I was so depressed. I can’t go through that again and I’d like to say I’ve gotten stronger and dealing better.
I told him that I don’t want him to call me for a few days just so I can get my head together and stop being so mean and angry and figure stuff out with me. It’s heart breaking to hear him sound so hurt and upset and it’s all because of me.
I know he’s not upset with me over not visiting because he understands and the phone calls are limited and that’s the same way. I guess I’m just looking for an outsiders point of view. I really do love him and I know he’s not going to break up with me and I don’t want to break up with him. I’m engaged to him and while this prison stuff sucks I don’t want the alternative of finding someone else or being alone. He’s the one. Now if I can just figure out what’s going on in my own head…
May 13th, 2008 at 1:34 am
This is odd, but, I’ve also been angry a lot lately. I finally had to sit down and sort it out in my head, and I think I discovered that being jealous/angry at the situation can make a person angry at everything. In my case I was angry just because I’d become a stronger person. And when you’re stronger you feel like you should have the power to change things, y’know? So it might just be a sign of that.
I’d let it play out and see how it goes, and tell Randy not to worry. Sometimes being pissy is good because it can motivate you. Try to take out the anger in positive ways like getting work done. This is all kind of general but hopefully helpful. Either way I hope it gets sorted.
May 13th, 2008 at 10:13 am
Aw I’m sorry you are feeling this way hun. To me it just really sounds like the distance is just very hard for you both. It must be such a stressful thing, especially considering where he is. I am sure you are both still in love. These types of things just take a big toll on your relationship. Be strong!
May 13th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I know what you mean about feeling like you’re angry at everything… I’m the same way. I think it’s just because I’m angry at the situation and having to go through it [not angry at anyone in particular], and then I get angry at everything else, because it seems like everything I do just reminds me of the situation I’m in and I don’t want to deal with it. I just have find of a “fuck it all, I have enough shit to deal with without this” attitude.
But, yeah… I’m sure there’s not a problem with your relationship with Randy. It’s most likely just the stress of the situation.
*hugs*