Little-Nerdling.net

Dear Randy,

Today marks the 6 month mark. You’ve been gone for 1/2 a year and I’m still alive. Looking back I didn’t think I was going to make it a month and now we’re halfway through (assuming you make parole of course). It’s been a roller coaster ride alright. We’ve gone from an anticipated release date of July 31st to November 28th, movement to at least 5 different facilities. I’ve driven all over the state alone and gone to a prison to see you, many actually. I never in a million years imagined I’d have the courage to do that especially alone. I called the prisons and got the information and I’ve done research to discover what I can and cannot do. I’ve met people who are going through the same thing and even met people online I met in person at the actual facilities. Weird eh? I’ve argued with phone companies and stressed about not seeing you but for 6 months I managed to never go longer than 18 days without seeing you even without a job. I always found a way to stand beside you and support you in any means possible. Your favorite thing to say to me was “You always find a way” and I never believed you until I saw that yes, I do. I’ve kept up the visits and I’ve managed to keep the phone on to enable communication. I’ve sent you pictures to keep your spirits boosted (Last count you had 89) and I even gave you $10 worth of stuff at visits from coffee to candy just to make you smile. Personally I’ve learned that I can and will survive out here alone AND I can keep things with us healthy no matter what.

I’ve now gone 32 days without seeing you and… I’m alive still. That’s a shocker in itself. The roles reversed from me needing you to be my rock and hold me up when I fall to the other way around. I’m now your rock keeping you up. We both assist each other obviously but for the most part I’ve got the strength. I never knew that I had that in me either even though you always told me I did have it, I could do this. I’m grown a lot in just 1/2 a year and I’m fully convinced I can do the remainder of this sentence. My doubts are out the window. It hasn’t been easy by any means and I’d compare it to going through hell but we’ve both grown and learned from it and I imagine the next 6 months will allow for more growth and strengthening our relationship more than it already is. Prison does a lot to a person physically, mentally, and emotionally but if I had to do it all over again I would because our life together is worth all of it.

I’m waiting for you to come home now. We’ve got 184 days left, hang in there and I will too.

Loving you forever and always,
Amanda

I’m stuck on decisions! I’m getting my new cell phone on Friday on mom’s plan and I’m willing to spend up to $100 because well, that’s my limit. All Verizon’s free phones for adding new lines are lame so right now I’m looking at the enV in either olive green or silver because orange isn’t being sold anymore online (LAME) or the env2 in black but I’m debating on whether i like it or not. I’m going to go into the store and play with it a bit I think before I make a decision. I know it’s thinner with a bigger screen but they don’t really add any features to it. I refuse to buy a motorola product after the bad experiences I’ve had with them regarding battery life. Cell phones are like toys for me, gotta play with them a lot to decide which one i’m going to have for the next 2 years. My orange enV will be sitting here waiting for Randy to come home so I can use that again actually. I miss it already, *sniffle*

I had to let my brother have Randy’s computer last night because his went bye bye. He restarted for a Windows update and now when he goes to boot it up he gets an orange light and a black screen. No green light but the system fan and PSU come on. Say what? So I felt bad and he’s going to start building his custom PC now that he really has a reason to. He’s got a video card and hard drive already so his parts are going to cost him about $600 for what he wants. He said if he cuts corners a bit he might also get an lcd monitor to go along with it but he’s not sure yet. It won’t matter anyways because sometime later this summer I’ll be beginning Randy’s custom computer as well so we can both game when he gets home. Fun wow right?

Well I got another message from the wench this morning saying that like it or not they’re still married and if I want this divorce to happen it’s going to happen her way. Pfft. I called the sheriff’s office and to serve them to her there he’d have to give them to the sheriff’s department down there which requires me driving all the way to Wellsville which is 70 miles away or so. I REALLY think the reason she wants that to happen is so that she can hide or whatever and not get served. If I’m driving there I’m going to serve her myself. How do I do this? Well, what she doesn’t know is that I can serve them to her wherever as long as she gets them. She has court Friday for her social services deal and well, I told her 3 weeks ago I wasn’t going b/c there’s no point to me being there. Well, I’m going and she’s getting served there. The sheriff’s office told me as long as I give them to her, even placing them at her FEET she has been served with the papers and she can’t do or say a damn thing about it. I get notarized for a reason AND my mom is going with me as my witness. Problem resolved and I get to be like “HAH, deal with it Carrie” just to play in her little game. She can’t get all the way up to fight Randy on this anyways, Oneida county is 202 miles away from her and she has no job, car, or a license. Hmm, wonder how that’s going to play out? She can’t afford a lawyer for her child custody case and certainly doesn’t have any money or resources to fight the divorce. She’s got no grounds for it either. She just makes me blood boil, really.

And Randy has agreed to call me every other day so that my financial burden is cut and I might be doing a ride share on Saturday to save 1/2 the cost on gas.

I’m so angry right now. It’s all pent up inside of me. I just… it’s like Carrie threw me over the edge. She messaged me saying no I don’t want you to deliver the papers I want the cops to do it. Seriously, the last time I checked the person filing the divorce says who does the serving. However, for some reason this is making me more stressed and upset than it should. Maybe because it’s such a long drive and the cost of gas to go that far is going to kill me especially if she’s not home. I suggested to Randy going to show up at the court house b/c she has a court date on the 30th at 1pm. I just don’t deal well with confrontation and she has no reason to be such a royal cunt bag right now.

So when Randy called I just flipped out. We pretty much fought/argued whatever until like 10:50 from 9:20 and I went off. Why do I have to stress over his divorce? Why do I have to wonder all the time about this baby who isn’t his but the birth certificate says he is and therefore is being charged child support? Why do I have to deal with Carrie when he’s the one who married her stupidly? Why do I have to pay for these phone calls he keeps making even though I tell him not to call so much because I can’t afford it? I spent $90 of my $100 check last week on the phone bill. 90%! I’m going to be making over $300 this week from both sources of income I have and he wants me to pay the phone bill which is $80 for this week, see him which will cost like $70, and THEN serve those papers to Carrie which is like $35 or so in gas not to mention that stress. I just wigged out telling him how selfish he is being by expecting all of this out of me while he sits in there and i have all the stress he causes on me and my own shit like going to work, catching my personal bills up, that damn fraud thing with the phone because of his parents, and any other issues I have.

So I told him probably 100 times not to call me again, I don’t want the calls anymore. He took advantage of how much I was willing to spend and went above and beyond it. Then the visits, I told him even though I haven’t seen him since April 27th I wasn’t going to spend any money to see him either and I also said I’m sending his papers back to him and he has to find another way to get them to her. I said I’m sick of carrying it all on my shoulders and just broke down. I didn’t break up with him but I also didn’t say I’m willing to keep doing this. She caused this set off and she’s going to continue to make our lives a living hell until his divorce is final and they no longer have any ties to each other and paternity is established but my question is… when does that happen? Not soon enough. I’m not sure I can make it that long. I really don’t know. I love him, it’s not his fault she’s such a cunt rag, but he can’t deal with this all either so it’s me. I don’t have a record, fines, lack of license, I’m not in prison, I don’t have someone who is saying they have a child by me, I am not married, my family doesn’t hate him, and he has all of this thrown on me.

How do I deal?