Edit: I just biked 4 miles on hilly terrain and I feel like I’m going to die. I’m so shaky right now. God being out of shape sucks.

Today is not a good day. It’s very bitter. It is July 29th, 2008. The day Randy would’ve been coming home if he had not been removed from the shock program. He could be HOME today. Here, with me, in my arms but he’s not and it’s my fault. I will admit it is 100% my fault. The reason he was removed was because he had an emotional breakdown and couldn’t handle it. You know WHY he had that breakdown? Because I cheated on him. This caused him to lose focus on the program and on getting home and instead he got to feel a whole slew of emotions caused by me. Then he got to worry 24/7 about whether or not I was off doing it again with that same guy or even someone else. As a result in March he was moved to his current facility to finish up his term of 1-3. Luckily for us, he managed to make parole and will come home on December 1st.

I still feel guilty though. I mean, how could I not? I had this fling going on for like 3 weeks where I didn’t consider him at all. In short, I gave up. I did. I gave up on him, us, the program, all of it. Most of all though I gave up on myself. I let myself get used while I also used him. I lied to Randy more times than I could count. I lied to my family and myself. I figured well I’d already screwed things up, why not continue to do it? I lost all respect for myself. From February 2nd until February 26th I was not me. I don’t know who that girl was. In that time I totally lost all sense of everything.

For some reason he decided to forgive me. He told me when I told him that John and I had slept together once that if it happened again we were done. Well, in March everything came out. EVERYTHING. He still forgave me. He, somehow, managed to look past all of the awful things I had done and said to see the girl he fell in love with. He said she was still there but in hiding. I admitted that I didn’t know who I was anymore. The next few months were rough. He didn’t trust me and although I could see why it was frustrating to feel like I had a big brother over me 24/7. Now things have improved. He can trust me and not worry that I’m going to give him bad news when he picks up that phone to call me.

You know one of the weirdest things though? I don’t regret it. The lessons that were learned and the completely different perspective I gained on my relationship and myself were things that would not have been realized if this wouldn’t have happened. Even weirder? He agrees with me.

We’ve been through hell and back again and right now I’d say we’re still there fighting every day to get out but we’re fighting together. That is all that matters. We’ve got 4 months and 2 days to go until he leaves those gates. 125 days. I’m right beside him every step of the way now and I wouldn’t change it.

Stacy is here, yet again. She basically lives here I swear but it’s alright because she’s a riot to hang around. We’ve been discussing camping every waking moment though. We’re working on making sure we’ve got everything needed, money included, and determining who is coming and where everyone is sleeping. It’s so hectic in planning but I cannot WAIT to go. I need my vacation. I need to buy a comfy chair and a sleeping bag still which I was going to buy this week but I splurged on my bike instead.

P.S. Did you know that you can look online and get approved for some Personal Loans Quick. Personally the only thing I’m looking up online anymore is computer parts or chatting with friends. I don’t need anymore debt, I think I’ve learned my lesson and will be paying for it on my credit report for a few years to come now.

I think my brother has some serious anger issues. It’s nearly impossible for him to do anything without getting extremely outraged and he’ll either flip out on someone or he’ll have this tone to his voice which indicates you’d better stay away from me or else you’re going to walk away like the headless horseman. I dread talking to him a lot of the time because his attitude is so incredibly negative and that energy is something I need to avoid. My situation is negative enough without any extra added influences. My mom and I are both theorizing that it might be due to my dad being an alcoholic and therefore he doesn’t have a father figure to look up to and my older brother and him don’t get along whatsoever which isn’t that shocking. A lot of older and younger brothers fight endlessly.

I need some new shoes. I’ve been wearing the same pair of vans just about every single day since December except for the occasional days that I decide to wear flip flops but those ended up getting chewed up by Pebbles and until I get some new ones I’m S.O.L there as well. I know someone who works at a sporting goods store and can get me a 40% discount so I think I should head over and get a few pair of shoes while I have the opportunity. I dropped a spoonful of pudding into my shoe the other night (don’t ask, please) and now there’s a nice chocolate spot on the white inside my shoe. While I’m at it I ought to look for a pair of work boots for Randy because he has no shoes for when he gets out. They destroyed them when he went into the system. That could pose a problem considering he is getting out in December and there’s a good chance we’ll have snow on the ground. He wears boots 90% of the time anyways.

Even at 20 years old I love to play video games. I play all sorts whether they’re the simple minded games found online and are so simple yet so entertaining for hours or the more well known ones like warcraft (NOT WORLD), starcraft, or the Sims 2. I think we can all agree that just about any game can be addicting to the right person. I felt like I was walking around in a big circle in WoW the one time I tried it while my one brother thinks the Sims2 is extremely boring or Diner Dash is too mind numbing to get into. To each their own I say. Variety is the true spice of life. If we were all the same and liked the same things we’d all be living in a robot land.