Little-Nerdling.net

Edit: I just biked 4 miles on hilly terrain and I feel like I’m going to die. I’m so shaky right now. God being out of shape sucks.

Today is not a good day. It’s very bitter. It is July 29th, 2008. The day Randy would’ve been coming home if he had not been removed from the shock program. He could be HOME today. Here, with me, in my arms but he’s not and it’s my fault. I will admit it is 100% my fault. The reason he was removed was because he had an emotional breakdown and couldn’t handle it. You know WHY he had that breakdown? Because I cheated on him. This caused him to lose focus on the program and on getting home and instead he got to feel a whole slew of emotions caused by me. Then he got to worry 24/7 about whether or not I was off doing it again with that same guy or even someone else. As a result in March he was moved to his current facility to finish up his term of 1-3. Luckily for us, he managed to make parole and will come home on December 1st.

I still feel guilty though. I mean, how could I not? I had this fling going on for like 3 weeks where I didn’t consider him at all. In short, I gave up. I did. I gave up on him, us, the program, all of it. Most of all though I gave up on myself. I let myself get used while I also used him. I lied to Randy more times than I could count. I lied to my family and myself. I figured well I’d already screwed things up, why not continue to do it? I lost all respect for myself. From February 2nd until February 26th I was not me. I don’t know who that girl was. In that time I totally lost all sense of everything.

For some reason he decided to forgive me. He told me when I told him that John and I had slept together once that if it happened again we were done. Well, in March everything came out. EVERYTHING. He still forgave me. He, somehow, managed to look past all of the awful things I had done and said to see the girl he fell in love with. He said she was still there but in hiding. I admitted that I didn’t know who I was anymore. The next few months were rough. He didn’t trust me and although I could see why it was frustrating to feel like I had a big brother over me 24/7. Now things have improved. He can trust me and not worry that I’m going to give him bad news when he picks up that phone to call me.

You know one of the weirdest things though? I don’t regret it. The lessons that were learned and the completely different perspective I gained on my relationship and myself were things that would not have been realized if this wouldn’t have happened. Even weirder? He agrees with me.

We’ve been through hell and back again and right now I’d say we’re still there fighting every day to get out but we’re fighting together. That is all that matters. We’ve got 4 months and 2 days to go until he leaves those gates. 125 days. I’m right beside him every step of the way now and I wouldn’t change it.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 29th, 2008 at 6:39 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.