I’m tired
I’m sick of trying to be strong all the time. I’m sick of fighting so much with myself that I need to be strong to get through this. It’s so hard not to break down and just bawl sometimes like right now. Everytime that I feel tears coming on I fight to push them back. I have changed SO these past 10 1/2 months (holy cow. 1 1/2 months left) and I’ve turned into someone who is strong, not as emotional, and fights off falling down and curling into a ball to try to make the world disappear. If only it were that easy, right?
I try to be strong when it comes to supporting him when he’s down because I’m the ONLY person he has right now. ONLY ME. Any idea how stressful that is? The environment he is in is so damaging to his mental health it’s disgusting. I have to help him to cheer him up day after day and I will give him credit, he does try to help me as much as possible but there are ways that he can’t.
I manage all the money. I work on freelancing. I’ve been doing ChaCha. I worked all summer long and still am and the majority of what I’ve made goes towards things relating to him. The phone bill, (over $200 this last month), visits which are about $100 each, packages, etc. He doesn’t demand anything and I regulate what goes on but I often feel obligated to do this or that. I’ve been doing this crap for over 10 months now. I’m just plain tired of it. I guess I shouldn’t be but it’s 55 days until he’s home. We’re in the home stretch.
Let’s not skip over things like his impending divorce and paternity test which was conducted 2 weeks ago tomorrow along with parole and how stressful that may be. I want to pay my license fee off and buy a car. I want to catch up on credit card bills. I’m trying to stabilize my mental health which has suffered lately but I’ve been trying to suppress issues there because there is so much I have to do.
To put it in short I was just blogging because I wanted to write. I’m. just. tired. So tired of it all and tired of not having anyone here to help me. But I know I can’t give up yet.. I love him too much and I keep telling myself this day after day but I’m sick of waiting for the phone to ring and just living my life based on the DOC. I feel like I’m in prison sometimes.
October 8th, 2008 at 3:49 am
It’s not hard to feel like you’re in prison when you’re carrying the feelings of someone who is. *hugs*
I really hope you both come out of the whole thing as stronger and better people. There is a bright side to everything, right? Maybe in hindsight this will all strengthen your relationship and independence and such. Hindsight is hard to predict. But, at any rate, only 55 days! You can do it! *hugs*
October 9th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
BIG HUGS!!! I completely understand how you feel and like you said on one of my most recent posts - I’m always here to talk if you need someone, because we can both relate to the situations at hand.
I read your blog when Randy was first sent away and I’ve continued to read it and I can see how far you’ve come, how strong you really are and you should be proud of yourself for that. But let me remind you, as I remind myself, you need to remember to take care of YOU because in the end when everything is said and done - you still have to live with you at the end of the day and nothing is worth it if you can’t live with yourself, if you see what I mean.
I am sure things will be rocky when Randy first gets home but I believe you guys will be okay in the end because you’ve made it this far, you’ve been strong enough to deal with it up to this point and I hope that he realizes that when he gets to be around you again. It takes a total on one’s self to be there for someone else, to be someone elses support system while they can’t really do much for you. It’s hard but you’ve made it, only 1.5 months to go! Keep your head up Amanda, you have people that care about you