It seems like forever since I last blogged since I’m used to doing it just about daily. I’m thinking multiple posts will better suit since I don’t need to squash all topics into one post. I did end up going to see Randy on Saturday after drinking a bit on Friday. I only had 3 hours of sleep but hey, that’s life right?

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I enjoyed some of those too but my buzz died when my dad ruined it. Of course, his drinking always does. He doesn’t know moderation. Otherwise we had a lot of fun celebrating my aunt’s birthday party. I also drank a couple daquaris in there but nothing excessive to make me feel it too much. Maybe I will sometime in the near future. Or I’ll wait until Randy comes home, haha. He can’t drink but he said he wants to watch me get drunk sometime because I’m quite the life of the party provided I don’t wake up covered in anything icky .. and my clothes stay on. They’ve been known to come off in the past. *woops*

I did get to sleep in my new bed and enjoy all the newness of it. I’m loving it. Of course I could always think of something to make my room even more comfortable, perhaps a massage chair is in order sometime soon? It’s a lot easier to get in/out of it and Shadow started sleeping with me again so my bed isn’t as empty. I missed my shad man keeping me company! He’s nice and warm too.

Visit and relationship stuff to be detailed in another entry, possibly tonight. Not sure yet, I need to figure out a way to put it all into words because in my mind it’s ALL over the place. Bah!

What do you think a good friend is? I’m genuinely curious because it seems like at times I have none. Are my standards too high… or am I just on the crap end of the luck stick here? What about a friend is something they must do… and what cannot be there at all?

The things I can’t stand are betrayal, being ditched, NOT HAVING MY PHONE CALLS RETURNED (especially when they specifically say I’ll call you back. That’s SO rude), and dishonesty. I couldn’t do anything like that to people I consider friends, it doesn’t’ cross my mind but why do I always end up on the receiving end of that? Gosh this is irritating me beyond belief.

People wonder why I end up spending so much time online. There is the answer up there. People on here are actually dependable and I can trust aren’t going to hurt me every time I turn around.

Today is not a good day… at all. I got up at noon when mom told me Randy’s mom was coming over. We talked and caught up for 3 hours. That was good and we discussed a bunch of stuff about Randy. Regardless, I had a headache so I lied down for a bit. Sign online and a message from Carrie calling me a hoe, telling me “Next time you talk to my scumbag of an ex-husband tell him I need his DNA to prove he’s Dillion’s dad and I can get money from him” I acted like the mature adult and told her the address of the prison, his DIN, and their phone number but did throw in that “It’s kind of hard to give you his DNA when he’s INCARCERATED” Stupid wench. The only thing that allows me to deal with her is that I know I have Randy and she and him only lasted 3 months maximum, and it kills her.

Then I call Mike, he was supposed to come over today but he’s in Rochester and now he’s at a point where he’s trying to work things out with Destiny. So they’re going off alone tonight to talk and try working things out. That’s his business but I feel so ditched. He told me he was coming over, I was excited for it. Now I’m just crushed because.. yeah… so much for reliable friendships? I’ve been on the verge of tears all night. All everything every fucking day does is remind me that the ONE person who will never make me hurt this way, ever… is 240 miles away and 153 days from coming home. It’s hard.. it hurts… and I just need to cry and cry and cry until it stops hurting but the problem is that it never does.

Mike is still hanging around here. He’s going home today I think. We’ve spent almost a week straight together, good times good times. This girl that he is pursuing (liz) is supposed to come over later on today to hang out. I hope things work out well for him, he’s really into her. We’ve also determined that we can each lose the “ex” label. We’re friends. It’s nice not to call him my ex anymore, it’s got that negative feel to it you know?
Sunday was good. I spent $70 for gas, $14 for tolls, $8 for him to drink during the visit, and $11 for Mike and I to eat on the way back. So I spent $103 total. Bah. Maybe I’ll get lucky and gas will drop a bit before I visit again. Or not.. but I can dream right? Next trip my tolls are paid for and it will only be me eating since I’m going alone.
The visit went alright. He was a bit alarmed with Mike being there but we discussed things and we’re good. Him and I really are struggling right now though, the whole thing with John really took us for a dive. Now we’re trying to piece everything back together and it’s a struggle. We’re not gonna give up though, love is too strong to risk that crap.
I think I’m gonna get to work on that layout… sounds like a good idea to me. Something simple but colorful.

It seems like February has been a month of self reflection. People are coming into and going out of my life all in a matter of days. It’s overwhelming. Andrea and John came in, now they’re out. Mike was out, he came back in. Hope made a re-appearance we’re on great terms. Heather and Pat kinda took a step out. It’s like what? Then if Randy and I get Dillion there’s another huge change in our lives. I guess taking things day by day will allow the flow to continue. That’s all any of us can do, right?

I spoke above in a mental sense, physically I’m reflecting and mentally I’m disappointed and confused with myself but physically it’s not even a question, I don’t want to look like this and I need to get the motivation to do something about it. That doesn’t include products like Akavar though which promise to allow you to take a pill, eat all you want, and lose weight. If it were that easy obesity wouldn’t be a problem. A lifestyle change is in order including healthy eating and exercise. That’s all there is to making a change. Now to actually implement it.