Little-Nerdling.net

Recently I decided to look into spicing up my non existent sex life. Translation: Buying things for when the other half comes home in November. I bought some interesting sex dice and a vibrator recently which should prove to be nice additions. We’re also looking into getting some bondage accessories and I’ve even browsed some cheap lingerie to spice things up even more. I don’t know if I’ll follow through on that one though. I’m quite self conscious so it’d be a big step from what I’m accustomed to. Then again, it doesn’t hurt to try everything once. I’ll continue to browse around and take notes of anything that might strike my interest.

I just went through myspace and deleted all those “I bought you as my pet” and “Am I your real top friend” things. I don’t like all that flashy stuff on my page and no one is buying me kthx. I hate all those annoying applications. I slept until 6:30pm tonight. Massive depression is in effect right now and I’m not doing too hot right now. I need to find a way to climb this hump. It’s killing me. I keep flipping. Do I wanna talk to him? Don’t I? Do I wanna spend the money? It’s making me go nuts. Oh. Now I only owe them $105 instead of $125 so I pulled $15 from my bank account and I better be able to talk to his ass tonight. I probably should look in to savings accounts so I can start saving money but it seems like I owe SO many people right now that it’s not even feasible. He BETTER call or I’m gonna be irritated. I miss him. I can’t take breaks, I fail too much. I shouldn’t feel bad though. He is my fiance and I want to talk to him. It’s… only normal right? Usually he calls me multiple times even though the line is blocked perhaps in hopes that it will be back on.

Randy got a letter today about the court hearing because Carrie is requesting full custody of Dillion. Guess what… on the case he is listed as a “Possible father” so that right there should guarantee that he gets his DNA test. I just want time to speed up so it can be done. I just want to know whether or not he is the father and his divorce to be finalized so we can all move on with our lives without court proceedings and stuff like that. He got the paper I sent in today as well so he’s filing his final divorce papers asap and that will only require waiting for the final judgment of it to be done. He also saw the parole officer today who got our address verified and Randy had to describe the house so they can find it when they do the house check. I hope to god this all falls into place… I really do.

I’m dealing with a very irritated inmate right now. He’s pissy over court regarding Dillion and him not being his child so he’s just overall a cranky person and I’m dealing with the brunt of it. I guess it’s justified because he has to deal with me and my mood swings all the freakin’ time, it’s occasionally good for him to be able to vent. He is irritated at the concept of having to pay child support and buy things like baby bassinets for a child who isn’t his. It’s incredibly irritating and stressful from all angles in this situation so I hope we can get it resolved somewhat shortly, like this upcoming court date. Talk about a lot of baggage… and none of it is even mine!

I was doing SO well and now I feel like I’ve crashed. I KNEW that once I saw him it was going to happen. I freakin’ KNEW it. Seeing him just made everything worse because now I miss him 1000x more. To be honest I had become so accustomed to not seeing him and only phone communication and I really wasn’t bothered by not seeing him but now? I crave that physical aspect all over again and I know that it’s not feasible to see him that often anymore now that I’m paying my credit cards and work and all that stuff. Last night I felt so alone though laying in bed all by myself (until my dogs joined me). I was canvasing while watching a movie and I just kept thinking of everything we did together.

At times I feel like I’ve lost him completely even though I know I haven’t. It’s just been over 6 months since I’ve had him in every way I should. We passed the halfway mark, we’re on the right path but I’m scared to death that for some reason at parole he’s going to be denied. He goes up in the middle of next month where they look at his sentence (1-3), crime of grand larceny, prior offenses (none), and his behavior in there (done programs, excellent behavior, no tickets, held a job before program acceptance) so his record is impeccible but … that fear isn’t going to go away until I see the status change on the DOC to open release date from initial appearance. If he doesn’t make this board he won’t come home until November of…. 2009. Yes, another year will have to be served. You see now why I’m so freakin’ scared and nervous. Last night I curled up with his wife beater and cried. That wife beater was the one he wore the night he was taken by the cops. I picked it up at the jail when he was moved to prison and I haven’t washed it since. You may find it gross. It doesn’t stink but it has a distinct smell to it that makes me feel closer to him. If only we could be closer. :’(

On a sidenote it’s going to be close to 90 degrees on Friday and I think I’m going to die. It’s been high 60’s all month long, I’m not sure I can handle that type of weather especially since it was only 74 the other day and I felt like I was roasting. Me and the south would not get along. The only perk right now is that I can put my sneakers in my closet and wear flip flops and sandals like the ones from Naot. I loooooove flip flops and sandals. It might be my hatred for having socks and shoes on all the time though. Blah.