Little-Nerdling.net

I’m so tired, very tired both physically and mentally. As I just told Dez..

“I emptied the fridge and freezer, took all the shelves and stuff out and scrubbed them. Loaded/unloaded 3 loads of dishes, made dinner and fed everyone and washed all THOSE dishes, did 3 loads of laundry. Swept/mopped, made brownies for desert. Fed and watered the dogs. Rearranged the fridge b/c it was an absolute MESS. Scrubbed the counters and table” all to surprise my mom when she gets home. She always does all the housework, I figured it’d be a nice surprise for her to come home to a clean house for once.

Emotionally I’m just feeling low. I miss him, I want him home and nothing I do or say will change that. His merit hearing was scheduled for July but as we know, that is null and void. The site updated saying his parole appearance is in September for his November release. Until then, it’s just hopes. I’m not too worried that he won’t make it but I’ve still got 237 lonely nights. I’ve done 4+ months and we’ve got 7+ left. It’s hard, so extremely rough. The lack of phone calls just REALLY got to me. I need to start work so something will occupy my mind.

All I’ve been able to do today is cry over and over. While cleaning, listening to music. Typing this. I just… I want out of this situation but I don’t want out of being with him. Maybe tomorrow will be better, well, it will because I’m visiting him. I wish i was rich because then I’d have my calls and my visits and these 7 months would go by just as fast as March did because it flew.

Today is not a good day… at all. I got up at noon when mom told me Randy’s mom was coming over. We talked and caught up for 3 hours. That was good and we discussed a bunch of stuff about Randy. Regardless, I had a headache so I lied down for a bit. Sign online and a message from Carrie calling me a hoe, telling me “Next time you talk to my scumbag of an ex-husband tell him I need his DNA to prove he’s Dillion’s dad and I can get money from him” I acted like the mature adult and told her the address of the prison, his DIN, and their phone number but did throw in that “It’s kind of hard to give you his DNA when he’s INCARCERATED” Stupid wench. The only thing that allows me to deal with her is that I know I have Randy and she and him only lasted 3 months maximum, and it kills her.

Then I call Mike, he was supposed to come over today but he’s in Rochester and now he’s at a point where he’s trying to work things out with Destiny. So they’re going off alone tonight to talk and try working things out. That’s his business but I feel so ditched. He told me he was coming over, I was excited for it. Now I’m just crushed because.. yeah… so much for reliable friendships? I’ve been on the verge of tears all night. All everything every fucking day does is remind me that the ONE person who will never make me hurt this way, ever… is 240 miles away and 153 days from coming home. It’s hard.. it hurts… and I just need to cry and cry and cry until it stops hurting but the problem is that it never does.

I thought maybe I should elaborate a bit more about my appointment at mental health. It was 45 minutes long, we discussed the past and family history. The general stuff. It was quite laid back and I really liked my counselor. She’s older but doesn’t seem like a judgmental person at all, which is obviously a good thing. My past counselor was this guy who always made me leave feeling like dirt. So once every 2 weeks isn’t bad either, once a week kinda seemed like a chore almost when I was at the other. I just hope this time around it works out better. We got to talking about Randy and everything and she didn’t insult me for being with him or what’s going on, obviously very important because he’s such a HUGE part of my life. She mentioned social anxiety more than anything else so… perhaps I’ll be on something for that and I hope something to help me fall and STAY asleep. We shall see.

He’s been moved. He’s in a county jail overnight and tomorrow he goes to the lovely Summit shock incarceration facility a whopping 240 miles away! OMG YAY like my life is just so awesome and it’s just so great that my boyfriend is now going to talk to me a whole 20 minutes every MONTH. Oh, let’s add that the visits that are 6 hours would be every 2 weeks but I can’t just pick up and drive 240 miles one way every 2 weeks due to lack of a vehicle, lack of money, and the sheer fact that 240 miles is a LONG ass drive. *shoots self*

I really don’t know how I’m going to cope… I honestly don’t. I’m ready to snap right now. Once he leaves tomorrow morning I won’t hear from him until the 17th at the earliest unless that’s visiting weeks. Then I’ll have to wait till the 24th for a fucking 10 minute phone call that consists of hi I love you im alive kthx bye pretty much. Lovely lovely relationship we’re going to have until August. I know LDRs are hard but at least most people fucking talk to their significant others more than 20 minutes a month. Last time I checked communication is how relationships stay ALIVE.

Pardon me I’m ready to kill someone right now.