Little-Nerdling.net

I’m so tired, very tired both physically and mentally. As I just told Dez..

“I emptied the fridge and freezer, took all the shelves and stuff out and scrubbed them. Loaded/unloaded 3 loads of dishes, made dinner and fed everyone and washed all THOSE dishes, did 3 loads of laundry. Swept/mopped, made brownies for desert. Fed and watered the dogs. Rearranged the fridge b/c it was an absolute MESS. Scrubbed the counters and table” all to surprise my mom when she gets home. She always does all the housework, I figured it’d be a nice surprise for her to come home to a clean house for once.

Emotionally I’m just feeling low. I miss him, I want him home and nothing I do or say will change that. His merit hearing was scheduled for July but as we know, that is null and void. The site updated saying his parole appearance is in September for his November release. Until then, it’s just hopes. I’m not too worried that he won’t make it but I’ve still got 237 lonely nights. I’ve done 4+ months and we’ve got 7+ left. It’s hard, so extremely rough. The lack of phone calls just REALLY got to me. I need to start work so something will occupy my mind.

All I’ve been able to do today is cry over and over. While cleaning, listening to music. Typing this. I just… I want out of this situation but I don’t want out of being with him. Maybe tomorrow will be better, well, it will because I’m visiting him. I wish i was rich because then I’d have my calls and my visits and these 7 months would go by just as fast as March did because it flew.

I can honestly say that I think Randy has FINALLY gotten past the issues that have been going since February. I think self forgiveness is the biggest problem going on right now, I can’t accept that what is done is done. I can’t fathom how he could have forgiven me and I constantly beat myself up over it. I wonder if I should say this or that because it’s been said before and look at what happened. He told me he’s going to “Give me that 3 weeks” and write it off as an experimentation period that I needed to show me what I really wanted. He said he’s not asking for one, he knows who and what he wants. I think I’m going to talk to my counselor tomorrow about self forgiveness and acceptance of the situation for what it is. I’ve changed my behaviors, seen what happened, and am working to change everything to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

It’s comparable to his big “mess up” previously of drinking and it turning into so much more. We both have our big mistakes and I’ve forgiven him for what he’s done so I guess I SHOULD be able to accept that I messed up and see how and why he has forgiven me as well. He’s changed his mentality and identified what happened with himself. He’s working on it in there with ASAT and will also be continuing addiction treatment out here as well with either GCASA or AA. We’ll see how it turns out. Regardless, I have faith that we can overcome this.

Well, well, where do I start? I have a feeling once I do I’m going to get interrupted with a phone call. More on that in a moment though. I went to see Randy on Saturday like previously stated and it was a typical long 2 1/2 hr drive there and back but no bad weather thankfully. During the visit this one CO decided to be a complete pricksmack and seriously write tickets to at least 15 inmates for “violations”, Randy included because OMG HE HAD HIS ARM AROUND MY SHOULDER! Last Sunday we were snuggling up and he was rubbing my back the entire visit. He wasn’t even warned either. Our topic of conversation was our status and trust and a lot more other things regarding “us”. Of course he had his usual prison bitchings including lack of privacy, being moved from one bunk to another as soon as he gets to know the guys, and getting yelled at for things like saying sir because in shock he was required to. He also likes to say that breathing in that recycled air which could benefit from the use of air cleaners is killing his lungs and he can’t wait to be out in some fresh environment. He also left me a little lovemark, which he got reamed out for at the very end with a “Someone is going to get their ass kicked for leaving a mark on their girlfriend’s neck, isn’t that right MR. RUMBLE?” “Yes sir”. The CO, before I left, asked me if I was OK and I said yeah why and he’s like it looks like someone just bit you. I looked at him, rolled my eyes, and walked in the other direction with a smirk on my face. *eyeroll* Let’s hope he isn’t there Sunday. His mom is going to try to come up w/ the money b/c I’m flat BROKE now. I can’t swing this one. :-\

As for “us”, we have completely cleared out the closet and every single skeleton has come out from last month to even things from last year. Trust is going to be VERY hard to re-build on his end because of what I revealed but we’re fully determined that we can work things out. It’s going to be a long hard road but… who said relationships are easy? I’ve completely cut off contact with anyone in the past who has caused any instability between us. Mainly John, Andrea, and Mike who threw a hissy fit saying Randy was keeping me in chains and might as well lock me in a padded cell since I’m not allowed to talk to any of them. It’s not allowance, it’s a choice. They cause problems, I value him more than that drama.

Things are a bit messy in regards to phone calls though. Every 30 minute call is $3.23 collect and he’s calling 4-7 times a DAY. Anyone wanna do that crazy math? Yeah, when the phone bill comes in we’re going to regret it. Also, he’s calling every 2-3 hours to check up and make sure I am where I say I am. It’s almost suffocating I’d say. I decided to go to walmart and mcdonald’s after his mom’s yesterday and I got reamed OUT when I got home at 8:30 instead of 7:30 when I said I should be home. That was a ballpark estimate, I’m not used to having curfews or revolving my life around when that phone is going to ring. *frustration* We’ll take it on though and deal as we have to. Only about 8 1/2 more months to deal with this crap.

He received a letter from DSS saying that there have been 2 complaints of child abuse filed for Dillion in the past 3 months and as the father they’re informing him, and he was “not named on either complaint”. Well, duh, he was incarcerated. So they’re doing an investigation and he’s going to write to them to possibly get custody turned over to his mother for the rest of his sentence. God, what a screwed up situation all around.

Holy macro I’m exhausted but SO fulfilled and happy right now. I went to my visit, I shouldn’t have though. The weather was horrid. Blowing, drifting, and the road to get to pick his mom up had over 8 inches of snow on it and was NOT plowed. I got stuck a few times but… I’m a NYer. I can get through anything, bring it on mother nature. I left here at 5:30, got to her house (7 miles away) at 6:00. We got on the thruway, it was messy at first but we got about 30 miles in and it cleared up. Then about 20 miles to the destination, shitty conditions again. It took us nearly 3 hours to get there and we waited from about 9:00-9:45 to get into visit him. The trip is 157 miles one way.

I love this facility. It’s a medium security and the guards were actually friendly! I was shocked. The visiting was one big room with lots of vending machines and they do pictures at this facility. Randy and I got two done (one with his mother) and I’ve got them uploaded to flickr. I’ll put them at the end of the entry too. I must say he can rock anything, even those lame NYS prison green jumpsuits. Whew baby! He was so happy, I was happy. It was a GREAT visit. We also got to kiss and touch a lot, because the guards aren’t breathing down your throats. He’s calling me in 8 minutes or so, I miss him already. We’ve determined whether or not he’s kicked out of shock, things will work out and i’m feeling better about the situation.

Dianna and I left at 3 and we got into town at 5:20. We stopped at walmart so I could copy the 2 pics for her, pick up some pop, and I got my knitting supplies! (Also at the end of the entry). Then we stopped at Mcdonald’s and finally I took her home and she showed me how they tore out a few walls, painted a couple rooms, and she explained what else she intends on doing to the place. She mentioned getting a new TV as well, maybe she’ll get one that might require use of one of the well known tv lift cabinets. Who knows?

Then I finally headed home. I dealt with snow and had to plow through my driveway through a foot of snow due to a drift and now I’m here. I have a full belly, am exhausted, but oh boy do I feel high on life and I’m LOVING it.

His mom, him, and I. She NEVER smiles for pics

I hate how my body looks here but.. hey you take what you can get.

My knitting supplies. I can’t wait to get started!
I love my inmate today, tomorrow, and always. Nothing will ever change that.

I haven’t had too much to write lately because life has been relatively boring. We went from 60F on Monday to a total ice storm last night. Bah! It was so cold in here that I had 3 blankets on me and a space heater blowing on my feet. Now it’s hot in here, never a comfortable medium ever. I braved the wind today to go get the mail and of course it was worth it, I got a letter! His letters always put a smile on my face. He gave me a quiz to do, as a mini “about me” and he even included a picture that he traced out. It fits the situation, I scanned it into the computer. It’s not perfect but very thoughtful and cute. I also have a picture of the ice on our porch last night (It lasted 6 hours!) I think I need to take a few new pics of myself but I’ve been thinking constantly about different methods on how to lose weight and have read a couple like the programs such as weight watchers or nutrisystem but don’t know what path I’m going to take as of yet. I do know that I’m not happy with the way that I look even if a certain someone seems to think that I’m “perfect”. Pff, far from.

Under the tag for size.
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