Little-Nerdling.net

Well I was feeling uber stressed last night but Heather and Pat called me and we went and hung out at their parent’s house for a bit, I got to chill out and it was extremely nice. Then I came back and talked to Randy and finally played Warcraft 3 with Rob, Ryan, and his friend. While doing so I did plastic canvasing and managed to finish Wyoming. (Dianna and I are doing all 50 states as magnets and assembling them as the US on her fridge) We’ve got 6/50 done in 2 days, not bad.

Today I went to town with mom and we took the neighbors, got some Easter candy for everyone as a whole. I also got a pregnancy test which was NEGATIVE, thankfully. So no swing sets will be bought anytime in the near future. We’ll wait for Randy to come home on that one Now to figure out why I’m late… I’m helping mom make lasagna right now and then Stacy is coming over tonight to chill and relax. Should be a good time. If funds can come together on Sunday Randy’s mom and I are gonna make the hike up to Mohawk. We’ll see…

Oh, and on that level Randy talked to his counselor AND he’s signed up for ASAT *Alcohol Substance Abuse Treatment* and in Masonry which are both 6 month programs. The counselor said he won’t make his merit board in September BUT he will 99% make parole for November and will come home November 28th. That means he’ll be home in time for Christmas AND our 2 year anniversary. So we have a little over 8 months to go. Not bad at all, he’s staying at Mohawk too so unless he gets into trouble he’ll remain there for the sentence. I’m in a good mood today if you can’t tell. It feels good. Now if only the weather would get warmer to match it.

Well, well, where do I start? I have a feeling once I do I’m going to get interrupted with a phone call. More on that in a moment though. I went to see Randy on Saturday like previously stated and it was a typical long 2 1/2 hr drive there and back but no bad weather thankfully. During the visit this one CO decided to be a complete pricksmack and seriously write tickets to at least 15 inmates for “violations”, Randy included because OMG HE HAD HIS ARM AROUND MY SHOULDER! Last Sunday we were snuggling up and he was rubbing my back the entire visit. He wasn’t even warned either. Our topic of conversation was our status and trust and a lot more other things regarding “us”. Of course he had his usual prison bitchings including lack of privacy, being moved from one bunk to another as soon as he gets to know the guys, and getting yelled at for things like saying sir because in shock he was required to. He also likes to say that breathing in that recycled air which could benefit from the use of air cleaners is killing his lungs and he can’t wait to be out in some fresh environment. He also left me a little lovemark, which he got reamed out for at the very end with a “Someone is going to get their ass kicked for leaving a mark on their girlfriend’s neck, isn’t that right MR. RUMBLE?” “Yes sir”. The CO, before I left, asked me if I was OK and I said yeah why and he’s like it looks like someone just bit you. I looked at him, rolled my eyes, and walked in the other direction with a smirk on my face. *eyeroll* Let’s hope he isn’t there Sunday. His mom is going to try to come up w/ the money b/c I’m flat BROKE now. I can’t swing this one. :-\

As for “us”, we have completely cleared out the closet and every single skeleton has come out from last month to even things from last year. Trust is going to be VERY hard to re-build on his end because of what I revealed but we’re fully determined that we can work things out. It’s going to be a long hard road but… who said relationships are easy? I’ve completely cut off contact with anyone in the past who has caused any instability between us. Mainly John, Andrea, and Mike who threw a hissy fit saying Randy was keeping me in chains and might as well lock me in a padded cell since I’m not allowed to talk to any of them. It’s not allowance, it’s a choice. They cause problems, I value him more than that drama.

Things are a bit messy in regards to phone calls though. Every 30 minute call is $3.23 collect and he’s calling 4-7 times a DAY. Anyone wanna do that crazy math? Yeah, when the phone bill comes in we’re going to regret it. Also, he’s calling every 2-3 hours to check up and make sure I am where I say I am. It’s almost suffocating I’d say. I decided to go to walmart and mcdonald’s after his mom’s yesterday and I got reamed OUT when I got home at 8:30 instead of 7:30 when I said I should be home. That was a ballpark estimate, I’m not used to having curfews or revolving my life around when that phone is going to ring. *frustration* We’ll take it on though and deal as we have to. Only about 8 1/2 more months to deal with this crap.

He received a letter from DSS saying that there have been 2 complaints of child abuse filed for Dillion in the past 3 months and as the father they’re informing him, and he was “not named on either complaint”. Well, duh, he was incarcerated. So they’re doing an investigation and he’s going to write to them to possibly get custody turned over to his mother for the rest of his sentence. God, what a screwed up situation all around.

Holy macro I’m exhausted but SO fulfilled and happy right now. I went to my visit, I shouldn’t have though. The weather was horrid. Blowing, drifting, and the road to get to pick his mom up had over 8 inches of snow on it and was NOT plowed. I got stuck a few times but… I’m a NYer. I can get through anything, bring it on mother nature. I left here at 5:30, got to her house (7 miles away) at 6:00. We got on the thruway, it was messy at first but we got about 30 miles in and it cleared up. Then about 20 miles to the destination, shitty conditions again. It took us nearly 3 hours to get there and we waited from about 9:00-9:45 to get into visit him. The trip is 157 miles one way.

I love this facility. It’s a medium security and the guards were actually friendly! I was shocked. The visiting was one big room with lots of vending machines and they do pictures at this facility. Randy and I got two done (one with his mother) and I’ve got them uploaded to flickr. I’ll put them at the end of the entry too. I must say he can rock anything, even those lame NYS prison green jumpsuits. Whew baby! He was so happy, I was happy. It was a GREAT visit. We also got to kiss and touch a lot, because the guards aren’t breathing down your throats. He’s calling me in 8 minutes or so, I miss him already. We’ve determined whether or not he’s kicked out of shock, things will work out and i’m feeling better about the situation.

Dianna and I left at 3 and we got into town at 5:20. We stopped at walmart so I could copy the 2 pics for her, pick up some pop, and I got my knitting supplies! (Also at the end of the entry). Then we stopped at Mcdonald’s and finally I took her home and she showed me how they tore out a few walls, painted a couple rooms, and she explained what else she intends on doing to the place. She mentioned getting a new TV as well, maybe she’ll get one that might require use of one of the well known tv lift cabinets. Who knows?

Then I finally headed home. I dealt with snow and had to plow through my driveway through a foot of snow due to a drift and now I’m here. I have a full belly, am exhausted, but oh boy do I feel high on life and I’m LOVING it.

His mom, him, and I. She NEVER smiles for pics

I hate how my body looks here but.. hey you take what you can get.

My knitting supplies. I can’t wait to get started!
I love my inmate today, tomorrow, and always. Nothing will ever change that.

Originally this WAS going to be a handwritten entry but it’s too serious minded for that.

I broke down last night on the phone to Randy, completely. The kind of breaking down where I curl up in a ball and just CRY. I’m SO sick of the NY DOC treating prisoners like they’re not people but instead are dogs. Yes, Randy committed a crime but there is a thing called the justice system and it’s supposed to be in place. It is NOT right to make him restart the program just because they may have made an administrative error. He is NOT in trouble but I’ve got this nagging feeling that they WILL make him restart. He’s done 35 days in the program out of 180, he is getting Effed over hardcore in this if they do. They could also decide now to disqualify him for one reason or another. If this happens, he’ll probably not be home in time for Christmas. He’ll miss his first merit board in July and he’ll not be up again until January I think. UUUUUUUGH! I guess we’ll find out when he talks to a counselor.

I just feel like the world is on my shoulders with all of this crap going on. Divorce, Dillion, and now this possibility of restarting. I have this “thing” where I try to take on all this responsibiltuy myself when none of it is my job. He tells me not to worry but I can’t help it. I’m so overwhelmed with all of this and I might not get to visit tomorrow because we got hit with a storm and over a foot of snow. We’re expecting another 6 inches before 9 and then I THINK it is supposed to taper off. The driving is 95% on the thruway which is always cleared out first considering people have to pay $.04/mile to travel on it. They say it’s supposed to taper off by like 10 so that gives me 7 hours to hope they clear things up.

Mike told me something when we were hanging out that made me think. He told me that at times it feels like I’m trapped in this relationship by my love for Randy. Even if I wanted to leave I couldn’t because of the situation and because if I left, it’s not because of him it’s because I can’t handle the situation. Yet, that would be giving up. I don’t know how to fail… I can’t. We have a future together but it’s getting through the here and now that is killing me. I’ve immersed myself in games, re-doing my room, and am going to try to begin knitting as a time killer. I also do things like get my lip pierced because it makes me feel good about myself to do things like that. Perhaps getting a membership to somewhere like directbuy will allow me to buy things at discount prices to help spice up things around here and in my future apartment. Providing I get a job soon of course…

He called me 8 times yesterday.. $26.56 for calls. That’s 4 hours of talking and the phone cuts out after 30 minutes so you have to call again and get charged with another connection fee. I hate the system, I really do. It’s 25F and we have an east wind today meaning it’s absolutely FREEZING. I’m so sick of winter, I’m moving south. Once he’s off parole we’re OUT.