Little-Nerdling.net

It seems like February has been a month of self reflection. People are coming into and going out of my life all in a matter of days. It’s overwhelming. Andrea and John came in, now they’re out. Mike was out, he came back in. Hope made a re-appearance we’re on great terms. Heather and Pat kinda took a step out. It’s like what? Then if Randy and I get Dillion there’s another huge change in our lives. I guess taking things day by day will allow the flow to continue. That’s all any of us can do, right?

I spoke above in a mental sense, physically I’m reflecting and mentally I’m disappointed and confused with myself but physically it’s not even a question, I don’t want to look like this and I need to get the motivation to do something about it. That doesn’t include products like Akavar though which promise to allow you to take a pill, eat all you want, and lose weight. If it were that easy obesity wouldn’t be a problem. A lifestyle change is in order including healthy eating and exercise. That’s all there is to making a change. Now to actually implement it.

I’m ready to flip out right now, either I’m being way too touchy or every little minuscule thing is getting to me and seeming like it’s 340823903x worse.

• Mom’s best friend’s daughter Jennifer is 29, we ended up seeing her today and I’m sick of her. She has this holier than thou attitude, especially with her “Pff, I could NEVER imagine making $10/hr again, I make over double that hahaha and she’s also got this “Well Amanda why aren’t you working and do you really want to get married and settle down at 21 blah blah blah” and I’m sick of it. What works for me doesn’t always work for you stupid bitch. We used to be friends too when we went to college together (she got a late start as you can see) so I’m just sick of being attacked pretty much for my decision to be with Randy
• Pat. You all know how close we used to be. Well apparently last Sunday Heather messages me and says what is this I hear about you wanting Pat? Well Pat says Levi told him I did, Levi says Pat was the one spreading that shit around. I don’t know but I feel betrayed and sickened by that. *shakes head* If anything hammered that last nail in the coffin for this, that is it. I can’t handle that drama or betrayal by someone who is supposed to be “like my brother”
• On that same subject, the whole decision to basically ditch me once Pat moved out and Randy went to jail. I can count on 1 hand how many times I’ve seen either of them and now I’ve determined it’s NOT worth it whatsoever. Pat and his pills can go fall in a ditch and Heather and her pot dealing. I’m SO SICK OF THIS. Why can’t I have a “normal” friend who can live life like a “normal” person?
• Randy’s mom… whole ‘nother ballpark. Basically same shit as always, except she got fired and has a felony on her record now SO she won’t be seeing him and her throwing me off to the side approach really pissed me off, so I want nothing to do with her EITHER
• Money. I have no job and have creditors calling seriously 20 times a day. Some companies call 8 times apiece and I’m just… we ignore it. I have no money, my credit has gone to hell, and it’s all my fucking fault

His family has me stressed out, this situation has me stressed out. I wonder sometimes if I can handle all of it. His family is something I’m going to have to deal with the rest of my life and they’re really causing a rift in my relationship right now because I can’t deal with it all. It’s not my lifestyle and I never wanted it to be. I’m better than that and I feel like at times I’ve thrown my entire life away over some stupid shit like that. *sigh* I just want to give up right now. I’m SO sick of bullshit, drama, feeling alone, and fighting all these battles it seems all by myself. When can I ever get a break?